Key Takeaways
The subject
This piece is about what happens inside a person when a rating, score, or judgment feels less than perfect.
The emotional trap
A small gap between “very good” and “perfect” can feel like a fall into “very bad,” especially when the reason is unclear.
The way out
Clear, concrete feedback—about actions and impact—can turn panic into direction, in work, school, sport, art, and relationships.
Story & Details
A familiar moment, far beyond one setting
In December 2025, the moment has already happened: someone sees a result that is not a perfect ten. It could be a work review, an exam grade, a competition score, a comment on a creative project, a lukewarm reaction in dating, or silence after sharing something personal. The details change. The feeling often does not.
The mind makes a fast leap. It turns “not perfect” into “something is wrong.” Then it slides into extremes: very good becomes very bad. The middle disappears. The body answers with stress—tight chest, busy thoughts, short patience—because uncertainty feels like danger.
Why the missing reason hurts more than the number
A score is not only a signal. It is also a story trigger. When the reason is not clear, the brain tries to fill the blank. It can invent harsh answers: “I failed,” “I am not good,” “I fooled everyone,” “I do not belong.” This is not logic. It is self-protection that misfires.
In real life, a “not-ten” can mean many things. The judge may value a different style. The audience may not have noticed the effort. The goal may have been unclear. The timing may have been off. The result may be strong but not visible. Sometimes the scale itself is strict, and top marks are rare.
A gentle shift: from blame to clarity
The most stabilizing move is to change the question. Not “What is wrong with me?” but “What, exactly, was the yardstick?”
That shift works in many places. A student can ask which parts lost points, and which parts were strong. An athlete can ask what the coach wants to see in the next training block. A writer can ask what felt unclear to a reader. A partner can ask what felt missing in a conversation, and what felt good. The goal is not to beg for praise. The goal is to get specific information that can be used.
The best feedback is concrete. It names what happened, what it caused, and what would help next time. It avoids labels. It avoids mind-reading. It focuses on actions and impact.
A short Dutch mini lesson for asking for feedback in the Netherlands (Europe)
In the Netherlands (Europe), polite phrasing often opens doors. These phrases are simple and widely usable.
Kunt u mij feedback geven?
Simple meaning: a polite request for feedback.
Word-by-word: Kunt = can, u = you, mij = me, feedback = feedback, geven = give.
Tone and use: formal and respectful; good for a manager, teacher, or official setting.
Wat kan ik beter doen?
Simple meaning: asking what to improve.
Word-by-word: Wat = what, kan = can, ik = I, beter = better, doen = do.
Tone and use: neutral and common; fits many everyday situations.
Wat miste er om een tien te halen?
Simple meaning: asking what was missing for a top score.
Word-by-word: Wat = what, miste = was missing, er = there, om = to, een = a, tien = ten, te halen = to achieve.
Tone and use: direct but still polite; best used with a calm voice and a learning focus.
Conclusions
A score is a moment, not a whole identity
A single rating can feel like a loud verdict. Often it is only a narrow signal, shaped by context, expectations, and visibility.
The calmer ending
When the reason becomes clear, the mind can stop spinning. What stays is usable: what worked, what did not, and what “excellent” looks like next time.
Selected References
[1] Center for Creative Leadership — Tips for giving feedback and avoiding feedback mistakes — https://www.ccl.org/articles/leading-effectively-articles/review-time-how-to-give-different-types-of-feedback/
[2] NHS (United Kingdom, Europe) — Reframing unhelpful thoughts — https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/self-help-cbt-techniques/reframing-unhelpful-thoughts/
[3] NHS (United Kingdom, Europe) — Stress: tips on managing stress — https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-health-issues/stress/
[4] Mind (United Kingdom, Europe) — Managing stress and building resilience — https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/stress/managing-stress-and-building-resilience/
[5] CDC (United States, North America) — Managing stress — https://www.cdc.gov/mental-health/living-with/index.html
[6] TED (YouTube) — The secret to giving great feedback — https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtl5UrrgU8c
Appendix
All-or-nothing thinking
A habit of judging life in extremes, like perfect or terrible, which makes normal feedback feel like disaster.
Feedback
Information about actions and their effects, meant to help a person repeat what works and adjust what does not.
Reframing
A way to step back from the first harsh story the mind tells and test other, more balanced explanations.
Score
A number or judgment that measures a small slice of performance or impact, not the full person.
Stress
A pressure response in mind and body that rises when something feels important, unclear, or out of control.
Visibility
How easy it is for other people to see the impact of effort, results, and follow-through.
My Diary - Leonardo Cardillo 